I've decided to return to this endeavor, that being to journal.
A year ago September I got hired by an old friend of mine to do what I do for a lot of money. A month ago, he let me go. I'm tired of working for fools. That was also a profoundly disappointing experience. Anyway, I'm looking for another job. More on that later. It's very confusing because I thought God wanted me there.
I've been dipping in and out of the Bible half-heartedly for the last year. I've been frustrated by a Bible study group that didn't work out, then a friend who wanted to meet but soon after didn't have the time. So I've identified a reading list that will give me some solo progress. Time to assert the discipline to do it.
I will commence the first lesson tomorrow. I will do each lesson and journal my thoughts on the passages.
Showing posts with label Christian Contemplation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christian Contemplation. Show all posts
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Take Two
I have failed to do what I set out to accomplish. Further, I have slid into further problems because I have failed to do the things I know I'm supposed to be doing. Finally, I am faced with greater challenges than I have dealt with before and I am not practiced in those things that I know will help me face them.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I Choose Differently
It's just before 4:00 p.m. on this Thursday, January 29, 2009. I've just smoked my last cigarette.
I'm still involved in understanding prayer; how it works, how you're supposed to use it, etc. I don't like asking for things so my understanding of prayer may be a little slanted. But I continue to learn and grow, so we'll see. More to the point, I believe that we should first discern what it is that His Spirit intends for us and desire that direction as it is His intention. I view this as falling under a sincere intention to follow Him and discover/adhere to his plan for each of us.
With that said, I just prayed (something I don't do often, unfortunately). I told God that I sincerely believe (which I do) that smoking is not what He intends for me. I believe it is in fact an interruption to my following his intention for me. I asked Him to please guide me through this.
Let me be clear that this is not me testing Him. I am completely accountable and responsible for doing this. I just need His help. Nothing else has worked before. I'm not relying on Him to take smoking from me, nor do I perceive that if I fail it will be because He did not help me. If I fail, it is because I failed.
I've tried to quit cold turkey before and I know what's coming. I'm turning to Him, because I'm upset and afraid of what I know will come upon me over the next 1-2 weeks which will start in about 45 minutes from now when the affects of my last cigarette wear off.
May God have mercy on me. I thank Him for His grace and blessings. I choose life.
I'm still involved in understanding prayer; how it works, how you're supposed to use it, etc. I don't like asking for things so my understanding of prayer may be a little slanted. But I continue to learn and grow, so we'll see. More to the point, I believe that we should first discern what it is that His Spirit intends for us and desire that direction as it is His intention. I view this as falling under a sincere intention to follow Him and discover/adhere to his plan for each of us.
With that said, I just prayed (something I don't do often, unfortunately). I told God that I sincerely believe (which I do) that smoking is not what He intends for me. I believe it is in fact an interruption to my following his intention for me. I asked Him to please guide me through this.
Let me be clear that this is not me testing Him. I am completely accountable and responsible for doing this. I just need His help. Nothing else has worked before. I'm not relying on Him to take smoking from me, nor do I perceive that if I fail it will be because He did not help me. If I fail, it is because I failed.
I've tried to quit cold turkey before and I know what's coming. I'm turning to Him, because I'm upset and afraid of what I know will come upon me over the next 1-2 weeks which will start in about 45 minutes from now when the affects of my last cigarette wear off.
May God have mercy on me. I thank Him for His grace and blessings. I choose life.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Are We Insiders?
My pastor mentioned something this evening that weighs on my mind. He said there are many of us (he was referring to Christians) who feel they are "insiders," and thus different and special and exceptional to those on the outside of the church. He was certainly not agreeing with this idea, but simply mentioning it.
I find this notion jarring to say the least. I think it's unfortunate and a mark of how far one can stray in their journey of faith. I find it incomprehensible that one could feel better or superior based on being a Christian.
Forgive my total lack of sound reference, but I seem to recall one of our tenets being that we are humble and empowered only when acting in a Christ-like manner. That's the trick, since in my opinion behaving in a Christ-like manner and feeling like you are a member of an elite group are two completely incompatible concepts.
The true irony comes in play when we consider that treating others in a Christ-like manner is to reach to them, show them love, compassion, mercy, give them what the world won't give them. Companionship, fellowship. Service. How can these things live in the same space as with feelings of exceptionalism?
My thought process has me arriving at an uncomfortable moment, one of judgment. I'll refrain. Instead, I can only say that the essence of "being Christian" is in the "being" part more than anything. Otherwise, it's just a label. Without the action of it, are we devoid of Christianity? Service, service, service. I am to serve my neighbor, serve him in a Christ-like manner, express my Christianity through works, through example.
Now, I know that different Christians see their expression of faith differently. Some see it as strictly worship, that worship is the focal point of Christianity. Others see service, that we get to heaven through our works. Still others have a different spin, and I suppose there are finer, more granular sub-groups within these verticals. I am of the service camp. It is what draws me to Him, draws me to those like-minded. I have been compelled my whole life to insinuate myself among those around me in such a way as to lift them up. It's only recently that I approach this with a spiritual sense.
I guess I am built differently. I simply can't envision feeling as though I am better than another due to my being Christian.
I find this notion jarring to say the least. I think it's unfortunate and a mark of how far one can stray in their journey of faith. I find it incomprehensible that one could feel better or superior based on being a Christian.
Forgive my total lack of sound reference, but I seem to recall one of our tenets being that we are humble and empowered only when acting in a Christ-like manner. That's the trick, since in my opinion behaving in a Christ-like manner and feeling like you are a member of an elite group are two completely incompatible concepts.
The true irony comes in play when we consider that treating others in a Christ-like manner is to reach to them, show them love, compassion, mercy, give them what the world won't give them. Companionship, fellowship. Service. How can these things live in the same space as with feelings of exceptionalism?
My thought process has me arriving at an uncomfortable moment, one of judgment. I'll refrain. Instead, I can only say that the essence of "being Christian" is in the "being" part more than anything. Otherwise, it's just a label. Without the action of it, are we devoid of Christianity? Service, service, service. I am to serve my neighbor, serve him in a Christ-like manner, express my Christianity through works, through example.
Now, I know that different Christians see their expression of faith differently. Some see it as strictly worship, that worship is the focal point of Christianity. Others see service, that we get to heaven through our works. Still others have a different spin, and I suppose there are finer, more granular sub-groups within these verticals. I am of the service camp. It is what draws me to Him, draws me to those like-minded. I have been compelled my whole life to insinuate myself among those around me in such a way as to lift them up. It's only recently that I approach this with a spiritual sense.
I guess I am built differently. I simply can't envision feeling as though I am better than another due to my being Christian.
Men's Bible Study Starting Up
Some months ago, I was approached by someone in the church that I have been getting to know. He asked me if I would be interested in participating in a men's Bible study if he were to start one up. I said yes right away. I thought it would be a great addition to my personal pursuit of learning more about the Bible. It was also clearly an opportunity for fellowship with brothers in Christ and a way to get to know some of the men at the church a little better.
The organizer put it together and we started up about a month ago. The pastor is heading it up and I had to miss the first meeting due to a former obligation. In that first meeting he suggested they start with studying Philippians, partly because it is a brief and somewhat simple book. When I heard this I was excited as I always am when I know I am about to learn something interesting and new.
My first time was two weeks ago. We wound up chewing the fat for most of it and barely broke into any scripture. It seemed like we had a lot of "get to know you" conversation to put us all in a bit of context. A very unguided discussion. I'll admit I was somewhat anxious because we left the evening with barely cracking open the good book but this in itself was a study in how I approach my faith.
You see, I think about things "too much." I over analyze and introspect to a very high degree. In other words, my potential pitfall on my journey into faith is that I run the possibility of being a "spiritual intellectual." Put another way, that my approach to faith could be the way I handle many other things; academically and methodically. Now, there's nothing wrong with that unless you're employing it disproportionately (which I do often). But the clincher that occurs to me this evening is that there is a time and place for an academic approach, and in faith that time and place is "sometimes but not all the time."
Bottom line: this Bible study is a time for fellowship as well as scripture. I am reminded that I need to cultivate flexibility and free myself from the almost prerequisite bondage of an academic approach, release my spiritual muse from the text and let it float freely with a moment of fellowship rather than experience cognitive consternation ("Let's read. I want to read. Let's read." over and over in my mind...).
Tonight was our second meeting. We gabbed for about 20 minutes then set into scripture, which already had my impatience set to medium-high. Not a negative impatience, rather an eagerness that was going unmet. We got 11 verses into it, the pastor asked if we had questions or comments, I had one, and we spent the next 40 minutes on it. Now, our pastor has a habit of digression. But is that really true? No. The truth is he thinks and speaks for a living, while I'm used to the steel-cold efficiency expected in corporate culture. So here I am in this soulful, internal push-pull while he is going into tangents and wrapping it back around eventually only to launch on another tangent.
Please God, stay my mind. Let me focus on this fellowship. I'm only grateful that I have this time with these men. It is special and precious. I was very excited for many days and knowing we were meeting carried me through the last 48 hours on wings. But only to get there and and internally cry out, "Come on! Come on!"
Thankfully I'm old enough to chuckle at myself. Ten years ago I'd probably be mad about it! Who ever said getting older was bad?
I ramble. Basically, I'm part of a men's bible study now. We're reading Philippians, we're talking a lot, we're grappling with major questions, questions of faith that I've not confronted with anyone other than my own mind and with God.
This is an exciting time. Thank you God for presenting me with this opportunity.
The organizer put it together and we started up about a month ago. The pastor is heading it up and I had to miss the first meeting due to a former obligation. In that first meeting he suggested they start with studying Philippians, partly because it is a brief and somewhat simple book. When I heard this I was excited as I always am when I know I am about to learn something interesting and new.
My first time was two weeks ago. We wound up chewing the fat for most of it and barely broke into any scripture. It seemed like we had a lot of "get to know you" conversation to put us all in a bit of context. A very unguided discussion. I'll admit I was somewhat anxious because we left the evening with barely cracking open the good book but this in itself was a study in how I approach my faith.
You see, I think about things "too much." I over analyze and introspect to a very high degree. In other words, my potential pitfall on my journey into faith is that I run the possibility of being a "spiritual intellectual." Put another way, that my approach to faith could be the way I handle many other things; academically and methodically. Now, there's nothing wrong with that unless you're employing it disproportionately (which I do often). But the clincher that occurs to me this evening is that there is a time and place for an academic approach, and in faith that time and place is "sometimes but not all the time."
Bottom line: this Bible study is a time for fellowship as well as scripture. I am reminded that I need to cultivate flexibility and free myself from the almost prerequisite bondage of an academic approach, release my spiritual muse from the text and let it float freely with a moment of fellowship rather than experience cognitive consternation ("Let's read. I want to read. Let's read." over and over in my mind...).
Tonight was our second meeting. We gabbed for about 20 minutes then set into scripture, which already had my impatience set to medium-high. Not a negative impatience, rather an eagerness that was going unmet. We got 11 verses into it, the pastor asked if we had questions or comments, I had one, and we spent the next 40 minutes on it. Now, our pastor has a habit of digression. But is that really true? No. The truth is he thinks and speaks for a living, while I'm used to the steel-cold efficiency expected in corporate culture. So here I am in this soulful, internal push-pull while he is going into tangents and wrapping it back around eventually only to launch on another tangent.
Please God, stay my mind. Let me focus on this fellowship. I'm only grateful that I have this time with these men. It is special and precious. I was very excited for many days and knowing we were meeting carried me through the last 48 hours on wings. But only to get there and and internally cry out, "Come on! Come on!"
Thankfully I'm old enough to chuckle at myself. Ten years ago I'd probably be mad about it! Who ever said getting older was bad?
I ramble. Basically, I'm part of a men's bible study now. We're reading Philippians, we're talking a lot, we're grappling with major questions, questions of faith that I've not confronted with anyone other than my own mind and with God.
This is an exciting time. Thank you God for presenting me with this opportunity.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The Gift That Is My Church
I am more and more realizing the gift that is the church I attend. God brought my family and I to this church through invitation from good friends. I can't think of a better way to be introduced to what is shaping up to fulfill three significant needs I have in my pursuit of a relationship with God and my quest to identify his wishes and follow his intent for my life: fellowship, service and study.
It's easiest to begin with fellowship. This church is filled with very fine people. Specifically, what I thus far have determined to be sincere Christians filled with His spirit. I have been approached, welcomed and warmed in so many ways already by people here. In fact, a major part of why I so look forward to each Sunday is because each one arrives with a new God-given treasure. God is truly working through these people. I have already had several unique experiences of such gravity that each are a clear and concise testimony to His presence in my life. How blessed I am.
Service is a major matter of it's own with me. The desire to serve - to help - others has dwelled in me since my beginning. Yes, I fail to do so here and there but it doesn't change the fact that I am singularly driven by this need in a way like no other requirement in my human existence. This need has built up to a crescendo over time, gone unheeded and squandered on apathy and excuses. I draw a line in the sand and have sought out service opportunities; the church is my inspiration as it is clearly a phenomenal channel through which to express this energy. I am already bursting barriers on this point, namely my overcoming of stage fright to serve as liturgist at an upcoming service. I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I simultaneously can't believe I will be part of something so wonderful as a church service. Again, God's greatness envelopes me with blessing.
Another few point of service I have been ruminating on is in regards to the small collection of names in each service bulletin describing those church members who are serving in Iraq at this time. I feel significantly compelled to launch a letter-writing / care package campaign in fellowship with church members that is guided by His spirit. Part of me needs to put to rest my desire to "support the troops" and actually DO it. Another part of me regards this as an intrinsic manner in which we, the laity, can express ourselves in a most God-guided manner to those who are in need of not just food and shelter - but reminder that He is with them in such a dark and unforgiving place. As I write this, I am imbued with the sheer importance of doing this and am resolved to discuss this with the leader of our Prayer Ministry as soon as possible.
I leave the most significant for last. Here is where my desire for service, my desire for fellowship, my God-given abilities and a prayer answered all converge. Months ago, I interviewed with a church to be their website administrator. I was extremely excited about channeling my career path into the direction of the Lord and thus was utterly convinced this was my path. Well, they turned me down. I was bewildered and a bit upset. I felt so strongly about it I just couldn't figure out "why He wouldn't have me do this." I got another job but all the while wondered "what happened there?" Wasn't I supposed to go do this? Well, long story short - our new pastor considers the web to be a significant frontier and wants to see changes made toward a renewed online presence. And here I am with a desire to serve, and serve specifically in this way, and many years of experience to draw on. Despite our having yet arrive at substantive conversation regarding what role I might play, I am already planning a redesign and redevelopment project as I envision being asked to throw myself upon the task.
Last but not least is study. I continue to meet briefly after the service with the leader of our Prayer Ministry. As I may have mentioned in the past, I am "attracted" to this man, attracted as an elk would be to a fresh stream. He seems to flow with His spirit and is such a genuine man of caring. He has reached out to me a couple of times, one of them so endearing that I thought about it for days. I see him always with a "major Bible" under his arm along with lots of documents; such is the trappings of a church leader, I know. But something about those papers tells me he can help me study the word. Or, study toward one or more of the Christian Disciplines I desire to adhere to. I am incredibly excited to move forward in what I know will be a Christ-guided and light-filled relationship with this man.
To top it off, our choir rocks and the pastor is just plain awesome. Did I mention the stained glass windows are a particular favorite for me? Something about sitting in the pews just feels like I am wrapped in a perfect blanket. It's not something - it's God. Thanks be to Him! Truly a gift is my church, truly I am blessed in many ways already from this gift and overwhelmed with the blessings that are to come - not just to me, but from me, as I avail my hands to the Lord and let Him use them.
It's easiest to begin with fellowship. This church is filled with very fine people. Specifically, what I thus far have determined to be sincere Christians filled with His spirit. I have been approached, welcomed and warmed in so many ways already by people here. In fact, a major part of why I so look forward to each Sunday is because each one arrives with a new God-given treasure. God is truly working through these people. I have already had several unique experiences of such gravity that each are a clear and concise testimony to His presence in my life. How blessed I am.
Service is a major matter of it's own with me. The desire to serve - to help - others has dwelled in me since my beginning. Yes, I fail to do so here and there but it doesn't change the fact that I am singularly driven by this need in a way like no other requirement in my human existence. This need has built up to a crescendo over time, gone unheeded and squandered on apathy and excuses. I draw a line in the sand and have sought out service opportunities; the church is my inspiration as it is clearly a phenomenal channel through which to express this energy. I am already bursting barriers on this point, namely my overcoming of stage fright to serve as liturgist at an upcoming service. I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I simultaneously can't believe I will be part of something so wonderful as a church service. Again, God's greatness envelopes me with blessing.
Another few point of service I have been ruminating on is in regards to the small collection of names in each service bulletin describing those church members who are serving in Iraq at this time. I feel significantly compelled to launch a letter-writing / care package campaign in fellowship with church members that is guided by His spirit. Part of me needs to put to rest my desire to "support the troops" and actually DO it. Another part of me regards this as an intrinsic manner in which we, the laity, can express ourselves in a most God-guided manner to those who are in need of not just food and shelter - but reminder that He is with them in such a dark and unforgiving place. As I write this, I am imbued with the sheer importance of doing this and am resolved to discuss this with the leader of our Prayer Ministry as soon as possible.
I leave the most significant for last. Here is where my desire for service, my desire for fellowship, my God-given abilities and a prayer answered all converge. Months ago, I interviewed with a church to be their website administrator. I was extremely excited about channeling my career path into the direction of the Lord and thus was utterly convinced this was my path. Well, they turned me down. I was bewildered and a bit upset. I felt so strongly about it I just couldn't figure out "why He wouldn't have me do this." I got another job but all the while wondered "what happened there?" Wasn't I supposed to go do this? Well, long story short - our new pastor considers the web to be a significant frontier and wants to see changes made toward a renewed online presence. And here I am with a desire to serve, and serve specifically in this way, and many years of experience to draw on. Despite our having yet arrive at substantive conversation regarding what role I might play, I am already planning a redesign and redevelopment project as I envision being asked to throw myself upon the task.
Last but not least is study. I continue to meet briefly after the service with the leader of our Prayer Ministry. As I may have mentioned in the past, I am "attracted" to this man, attracted as an elk would be to a fresh stream. He seems to flow with His spirit and is such a genuine man of caring. He has reached out to me a couple of times, one of them so endearing that I thought about it for days. I see him always with a "major Bible" under his arm along with lots of documents; such is the trappings of a church leader, I know. But something about those papers tells me he can help me study the word. Or, study toward one or more of the Christian Disciplines I desire to adhere to. I am incredibly excited to move forward in what I know will be a Christ-guided and light-filled relationship with this man.
To top it off, our choir rocks and the pastor is just plain awesome. Did I mention the stained glass windows are a particular favorite for me? Something about sitting in the pews just feels like I am wrapped in a perfect blanket. It's not something - it's God. Thanks be to Him! Truly a gift is my church, truly I am blessed in many ways already from this gift and overwhelmed with the blessings that are to come - not just to me, but from me, as I avail my hands to the Lord and let Him use them.
Monday, July 21, 2008
A Most Profound Response
Our pastor at church delivered the most profound, relevant sermon I have experienced in my life so far. Let me preface by saying that our pastor is new and truly outstanding, a robust man of God if there was one. To avoid digression, I will dedicate a separate post to this subject.
In the couple of days before the sermon (which occurred Sunday, July 20), I was grounded spiritually by a gut-punch of bad news regarding the health of my son. In a nutshell, he is not gaining weight at the expected pace and it seems he has a challenge in the uptake of calories. Suffice to say that we can deal with this - in particular, with God's grace - but I had what I shall term a momentary lapse of faith in Him and confidence in myself to engage successfully with this challenge. A debilitating experience, if I may.
The sermon I received was regarding the scripture of Genesis 28:10-19. This scripture discusses Jacob as he is fleeing from his home after deceiving his father to receive the blessing that was to go to his brother. The pastor discussed the fact that despite Jacob's deception, God granted him vast favor. As part of the sermon, the pastor expressed the fact that we're not supposed to go it alone, that we are to draw on Him - perhaps mostly because He is infinitely available and willing provided we bring Him into our heart.
I took this with great gravitas. The Friday night previous to this, I was on my knees in despair, praying and begging for God to take this burden of my son - from both my son and myself as well. I was fully at a loss, both surprised at my inability to handle this health issue, my upset that anything should befall my son, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness that ran roughshod over my pursuit of faith in Him. In short, I felt a billion miles away from anyone and from Him and hadn't any idea how to get back. I hadn't felt that lost and alone in as long as memory serves. This prayer of mine lasted probably 10-15 minutes, filled with tears and a bit of yelling too (I insist on full disclosure here). Never had I prayed this way - ever. When I walked away, I thought to myself (in these words): I can't do this alone. I've been trying to do everything alone. It won't work this time. I don't even know how to not do it alone.
And here comes Sunday morning, and the pastor practically looking straight into my eyes (and my heart), telling us we're not supposed to go it alone. He had more specific words that I wish I could reproduce here, but let it be known that I nearly broke down where I sat (another experience I've never encountered before).
A most profound weekend involving a most profound request, answered in a most profound manner by He who is the most profound. How blessed I am that he reaches out to me with such immediacy. He knows me, knows that I preach and insist patience in awaiting his answers and indications to those around me and to myself. But how incredible, how loving it is that He saw me BREAK and reached me with urgency. Urgency. For me.
In the couple of days before the sermon (which occurred Sunday, July 20), I was grounded spiritually by a gut-punch of bad news regarding the health of my son. In a nutshell, he is not gaining weight at the expected pace and it seems he has a challenge in the uptake of calories. Suffice to say that we can deal with this - in particular, with God's grace - but I had what I shall term a momentary lapse of faith in Him and confidence in myself to engage successfully with this challenge. A debilitating experience, if I may.
The sermon I received was regarding the scripture of Genesis 28:10-19. This scripture discusses Jacob as he is fleeing from his home after deceiving his father to receive the blessing that was to go to his brother. The pastor discussed the fact that despite Jacob's deception, God granted him vast favor. As part of the sermon, the pastor expressed the fact that we're not supposed to go it alone, that we are to draw on Him - perhaps mostly because He is infinitely available and willing provided we bring Him into our heart.
I took this with great gravitas. The Friday night previous to this, I was on my knees in despair, praying and begging for God to take this burden of my son - from both my son and myself as well. I was fully at a loss, both surprised at my inability to handle this health issue, my upset that anything should befall my son, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness that ran roughshod over my pursuit of faith in Him. In short, I felt a billion miles away from anyone and from Him and hadn't any idea how to get back. I hadn't felt that lost and alone in as long as memory serves. This prayer of mine lasted probably 10-15 minutes, filled with tears and a bit of yelling too (I insist on full disclosure here). Never had I prayed this way - ever. When I walked away, I thought to myself (in these words): I can't do this alone. I've been trying to do everything alone. It won't work this time. I don't even know how to not do it alone.
And here comes Sunday morning, and the pastor practically looking straight into my eyes (and my heart), telling us we're not supposed to go it alone. He had more specific words that I wish I could reproduce here, but let it be known that I nearly broke down where I sat (another experience I've never encountered before).
A most profound weekend involving a most profound request, answered in a most profound manner by He who is the most profound. How blessed I am that he reaches out to me with such immediacy. He knows me, knows that I preach and insist patience in awaiting his answers and indications to those around me and to myself. But how incredible, how loving it is that He saw me BREAK and reached me with urgency. Urgency. For me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Losing my Brother, Finding No Friend
I'm moving through a highly challenging time. A few days ago, my brother-in-law (hence to be called "brother") had to move his family away to the other side of the country. The day after, I learned of the location of an old and good friend of mine from days long past, attempted to contact him and was met with cold affront.
I can't emphasize enough how profoundly disappointing both experiences have been. However, my striving to remain attuned to our Lord has led me to an interesting and eyebrow-raising observation. Both incidents occurred nearly simultaneously and both succeeded in delivering a nearly overwhelming sense of loss, despair and bewilderment. These two incidents also paralell each other in obvious, curious ways. For instance, there is clearly some sort of parity or relationship occuring with brother and friend, two relationships that are intensely important to men.
I am near despondency when thinking of the departure of my brother. There is significant history I will skip for now, but suffice to say that he was forced as a member of our military to leave (being re-stationed). We knew a re-stationing was coming and he had requested it be to the same city I, his sister and his parents live in. I prayed on the matter. Tears come even now as I feel that I was to gain the companionship and love that comes in a unique fashion as only it can with a brother, but it has escaped my grasp (as the death of my sister and only blood sibling some ten years ago). I am in despair that this prayer was not answered because I actually work hard not to ask for much in my prayer, lest it imply that I am left incessantly wanting and lacking. Of the piddling few prayers in which I put forth a request, this was the one I wanted more than anything. I, who normally lives in subdued satisfaction and pushes away many wants and needs as frivolous, was starving for my brother. I feel like someone who waits to be picked up by someone they love, but they never come.
As for finding my long-lost friend, it is a jarring experience. I had sought him about four times over the last ten years, each time being met with people who don't reply to emails and other dead-ends. I now find him only to be met with the most tepid response. He was more concerned about making sure I don't come to his house and that we meet outside his home than he was about hearing from me. This pitches me into a dark and unknown territory, uncharted as I am entirely not used to people not wanting to be with me (especially those who were great friends a long time ago). Yes, I know, people change, yadda yadda yadda. But what have I done? Did I slight him in the past and not know it? And if so, will I lose the opportunity to reconcile if he will not communicate this to me? Or has he lost respect for me for some reason, perhaps feeling I am not worth his time any longer? I am driven beyond discipline by these scenarios exploding throughout my mind.
I must calm my heart. Regain focus, regain the introspection that has served me well enough to show me these two experiences - brother and friend - are a veritable billboard in front of me. What is the message, and what action am I to take on this message?
I can't emphasize enough how profoundly disappointing both experiences have been. However, my striving to remain attuned to our Lord has led me to an interesting and eyebrow-raising observation. Both incidents occurred nearly simultaneously and both succeeded in delivering a nearly overwhelming sense of loss, despair and bewilderment. These two incidents also paralell each other in obvious, curious ways. For instance, there is clearly some sort of parity or relationship occuring with brother and friend, two relationships that are intensely important to men.
I am near despondency when thinking of the departure of my brother. There is significant history I will skip for now, but suffice to say that he was forced as a member of our military to leave (being re-stationed). We knew a re-stationing was coming and he had requested it be to the same city I, his sister and his parents live in. I prayed on the matter. Tears come even now as I feel that I was to gain the companionship and love that comes in a unique fashion as only it can with a brother, but it has escaped my grasp (as the death of my sister and only blood sibling some ten years ago). I am in despair that this prayer was not answered because I actually work hard not to ask for much in my prayer, lest it imply that I am left incessantly wanting and lacking. Of the piddling few prayers in which I put forth a request, this was the one I wanted more than anything. I, who normally lives in subdued satisfaction and pushes away many wants and needs as frivolous, was starving for my brother. I feel like someone who waits to be picked up by someone they love, but they never come.
As for finding my long-lost friend, it is a jarring experience. I had sought him about four times over the last ten years, each time being met with people who don't reply to emails and other dead-ends. I now find him only to be met with the most tepid response. He was more concerned about making sure I don't come to his house and that we meet outside his home than he was about hearing from me. This pitches me into a dark and unknown territory, uncharted as I am entirely not used to people not wanting to be with me (especially those who were great friends a long time ago). Yes, I know, people change, yadda yadda yadda. But what have I done? Did I slight him in the past and not know it? And if so, will I lose the opportunity to reconcile if he will not communicate this to me? Or has he lost respect for me for some reason, perhaps feeling I am not worth his time any longer? I am driven beyond discipline by these scenarios exploding throughout my mind.
I must calm my heart. Regain focus, regain the introspection that has served me well enough to show me these two experiences - brother and friend - are a veritable billboard in front of me. What is the message, and what action am I to take on this message?
Setting Sail
It's been all too long that I've thought about journaling my thoughts on these topics, matters of God and of Country. Why have I chosen these? Why not other areas in which I am interested or expert, such as business or family? Because I have arrived at a moment wherein I see all other topics essentially as sub-strata of these two - God and Country. Essentially, He is who I strive to live in, and America is where I strive to do so. My love of family, friends and fellow man all draw from a grouping of beliefs I ultimately would label "Christian" and "American."
I chose "setting sail" as the title of my first post in this endeavor because I feel something akin to what more ancient explorers than I must have felt when they stared across an ocean from the deck of a ship - without any map or knowledge of what lie on the other side (or if there was one). An infinite, undulating stretch. A view marred only by crawling clouds and no land in sight. Much distance to consume, much work to be done before even a beginning is gained.
With this, I set sail. Glory to God and may He bless this voyage, illuminate my path a bit at a time just as He has always done for me, and may He brace me against my own doubts. Amen.
I chose "setting sail" as the title of my first post in this endeavor because I feel something akin to what more ancient explorers than I must have felt when they stared across an ocean from the deck of a ship - without any map or knowledge of what lie on the other side (or if there was one). An infinite, undulating stretch. A view marred only by crawling clouds and no land in sight. Much distance to consume, much work to be done before even a beginning is gained.
With this, I set sail. Glory to God and may He bless this voyage, illuminate my path a bit at a time just as He has always done for me, and may He brace me against my own doubts. Amen.
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