One of the first steps toward God and my new life is prayer. This is critical for me. I must establish a dialogue with Him. He has spoken to me recently in a way that is ridiculously obvious and I am reminded of the times He has done this before. I am left wanting to reach back to Him and be consistent about it.
Without getting complicated, here's the bottom line:
1. Start each day with God. Give thanks, make requests for others, make requests for me, and close with thanks; these are my essentials. Keep a log of what I've requested and what has been answered. I believe I will keep a paper log (notebook), but may occasionally update here in some summary form.
2. Conduct my day in a Christian manner. I won't explain this but I know what I mean. I'm basically talking about doing what you should be doing and NOT doing what you should NOT be doing.
3. Conclude each day with God. Give thanks/praise for the day. Kind of finishing it off with a little high five between He and I.
4. Go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't stay up all night like you usually do. Rise early and greet the next day the same way.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Take Two
I have failed to do what I set out to accomplish. Further, I have slid into further problems because I have failed to do the things I know I'm supposed to be doing. Finally, I am faced with greater challenges than I have dealt with before and I am not practiced in those things that I know will help me face them.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I Choose Differently
It's just before 4:00 p.m. on this Thursday, January 29, 2009. I've just smoked my last cigarette.
I'm still involved in understanding prayer; how it works, how you're supposed to use it, etc. I don't like asking for things so my understanding of prayer may be a little slanted. But I continue to learn and grow, so we'll see. More to the point, I believe that we should first discern what it is that His Spirit intends for us and desire that direction as it is His intention. I view this as falling under a sincere intention to follow Him and discover/adhere to his plan for each of us.
With that said, I just prayed (something I don't do often, unfortunately). I told God that I sincerely believe (which I do) that smoking is not what He intends for me. I believe it is in fact an interruption to my following his intention for me. I asked Him to please guide me through this.
Let me be clear that this is not me testing Him. I am completely accountable and responsible for doing this. I just need His help. Nothing else has worked before. I'm not relying on Him to take smoking from me, nor do I perceive that if I fail it will be because He did not help me. If I fail, it is because I failed.
I've tried to quit cold turkey before and I know what's coming. I'm turning to Him, because I'm upset and afraid of what I know will come upon me over the next 1-2 weeks which will start in about 45 minutes from now when the affects of my last cigarette wear off.
May God have mercy on me. I thank Him for His grace and blessings. I choose life.
I'm still involved in understanding prayer; how it works, how you're supposed to use it, etc. I don't like asking for things so my understanding of prayer may be a little slanted. But I continue to learn and grow, so we'll see. More to the point, I believe that we should first discern what it is that His Spirit intends for us and desire that direction as it is His intention. I view this as falling under a sincere intention to follow Him and discover/adhere to his plan for each of us.
With that said, I just prayed (something I don't do often, unfortunately). I told God that I sincerely believe (which I do) that smoking is not what He intends for me. I believe it is in fact an interruption to my following his intention for me. I asked Him to please guide me through this.
Let me be clear that this is not me testing Him. I am completely accountable and responsible for doing this. I just need His help. Nothing else has worked before. I'm not relying on Him to take smoking from me, nor do I perceive that if I fail it will be because He did not help me. If I fail, it is because I failed.
I've tried to quit cold turkey before and I know what's coming. I'm turning to Him, because I'm upset and afraid of what I know will come upon me over the next 1-2 weeks which will start in about 45 minutes from now when the affects of my last cigarette wear off.
May God have mercy on me. I thank Him for His grace and blessings. I choose life.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Are We Insiders?
My pastor mentioned something this evening that weighs on my mind. He said there are many of us (he was referring to Christians) who feel they are "insiders," and thus different and special and exceptional to those on the outside of the church. He was certainly not agreeing with this idea, but simply mentioning it.
I find this notion jarring to say the least. I think it's unfortunate and a mark of how far one can stray in their journey of faith. I find it incomprehensible that one could feel better or superior based on being a Christian.
Forgive my total lack of sound reference, but I seem to recall one of our tenets being that we are humble and empowered only when acting in a Christ-like manner. That's the trick, since in my opinion behaving in a Christ-like manner and feeling like you are a member of an elite group are two completely incompatible concepts.
The true irony comes in play when we consider that treating others in a Christ-like manner is to reach to them, show them love, compassion, mercy, give them what the world won't give them. Companionship, fellowship. Service. How can these things live in the same space as with feelings of exceptionalism?
My thought process has me arriving at an uncomfortable moment, one of judgment. I'll refrain. Instead, I can only say that the essence of "being Christian" is in the "being" part more than anything. Otherwise, it's just a label. Without the action of it, are we devoid of Christianity? Service, service, service. I am to serve my neighbor, serve him in a Christ-like manner, express my Christianity through works, through example.
Now, I know that different Christians see their expression of faith differently. Some see it as strictly worship, that worship is the focal point of Christianity. Others see service, that we get to heaven through our works. Still others have a different spin, and I suppose there are finer, more granular sub-groups within these verticals. I am of the service camp. It is what draws me to Him, draws me to those like-minded. I have been compelled my whole life to insinuate myself among those around me in such a way as to lift them up. It's only recently that I approach this with a spiritual sense.
I guess I am built differently. I simply can't envision feeling as though I am better than another due to my being Christian.
I find this notion jarring to say the least. I think it's unfortunate and a mark of how far one can stray in their journey of faith. I find it incomprehensible that one could feel better or superior based on being a Christian.
Forgive my total lack of sound reference, but I seem to recall one of our tenets being that we are humble and empowered only when acting in a Christ-like manner. That's the trick, since in my opinion behaving in a Christ-like manner and feeling like you are a member of an elite group are two completely incompatible concepts.
The true irony comes in play when we consider that treating others in a Christ-like manner is to reach to them, show them love, compassion, mercy, give them what the world won't give them. Companionship, fellowship. Service. How can these things live in the same space as with feelings of exceptionalism?
My thought process has me arriving at an uncomfortable moment, one of judgment. I'll refrain. Instead, I can only say that the essence of "being Christian" is in the "being" part more than anything. Otherwise, it's just a label. Without the action of it, are we devoid of Christianity? Service, service, service. I am to serve my neighbor, serve him in a Christ-like manner, express my Christianity through works, through example.
Now, I know that different Christians see their expression of faith differently. Some see it as strictly worship, that worship is the focal point of Christianity. Others see service, that we get to heaven through our works. Still others have a different spin, and I suppose there are finer, more granular sub-groups within these verticals. I am of the service camp. It is what draws me to Him, draws me to those like-minded. I have been compelled my whole life to insinuate myself among those around me in such a way as to lift them up. It's only recently that I approach this with a spiritual sense.
I guess I am built differently. I simply can't envision feeling as though I am better than another due to my being Christian.
Philippians: Chapter 1
Some comments on the initial chapter of the book of Philippians. This is a letter written by Paul to Christians in Philippi, one of the first Christian churches in Europe which (if I remember correctly) Paul helped found. Paul writes this letter from a Roman prison.
When you really read the text and pick up the unmistakable joy of gratitude and joy, it is remarkable that Paul writes this from prison. This is inspirational in itself. I can't imagine my own self being so spiritually amicable in such a position yet God only knows what He gives you in dire times.
Philippians 1: 9-10 - (9) And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, (10) so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ ...
These two verses are early in the letter, so early as to be considered within the introduction of the full text. Despite their seemingly "inconsequential" position in the text, I find these verses remarkable.
I had never considered the concept of love in the same context as knowledge and insight before. I had always considered these to be separate realms, wires that simply don't cross because they can't even reach each other's spaces. This is of course ridiculous as I think about it more and more.
I realize now that not only do they cross but I myself have crossed them, and more and more in recent years. Case in point: when I was running my own business, we had an employee with deep personal problems that diminished his job performance egregiously. Rather than be rid of him (which a normal business would do), we kept him because we cared what happened to him. From a business perspective, it was a bad decision. I however saw no alternative from a human and spiritual perspective. As my pastor puts it, I was leveraging my knowledge and insight of business through the lens of love.
It seems to me that Paul is saying to let love be more and more informed by insight and knowledge, but the reverse is very true. One should inform their insight and knowledge with love. This is a path to compassionate decisions, to a "Christ-like response" if you will. Rather than acting on data and conventional (read: secular) wisdom alone, allow the human component to enter and wield influence. This is something I've struggled with at some personal cost before as I do indeed make many decisions this way; letting compassion subvert what would otherwise be a cut and dry decision.
Some might say it is human to be this way. I'd care to think it is the exercise of spirituality, whether one knows it or not. Are we instinctively predisposed as God's creatures to do so? Some of us are, others seem not to be. Is there a difference between making decisions this way and simply "feeling sorry for someone/something?"
Paul also remarks that one should do this "so that you may be able to discern what is best..." So, Paul's definition of making the best decision would be doing so through the lens of love (primarily) as informed by knowledge and insight? This is the meaning I take away.
This represents an interesting thing to ruminate on. Despite my having done it before, it was unwitting so there was nothing to be taken away from it in terms of spiritual growth. I will now approach these things more consciously with this "lens" in mind, and its juxtaposition to knowledge and insight. My hope is a more conscious effort here will reveal additional opportunities for spiritual growth.
When you really read the text and pick up the unmistakable joy of gratitude and joy, it is remarkable that Paul writes this from prison. This is inspirational in itself. I can't imagine my own self being so spiritually amicable in such a position yet God only knows what He gives you in dire times.
Philippians 1: 9-10 - (9) And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, (10) so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ ...
These two verses are early in the letter, so early as to be considered within the introduction of the full text. Despite their seemingly "inconsequential" position in the text, I find these verses remarkable.
I had never considered the concept of love in the same context as knowledge and insight before. I had always considered these to be separate realms, wires that simply don't cross because they can't even reach each other's spaces. This is of course ridiculous as I think about it more and more.
I realize now that not only do they cross but I myself have crossed them, and more and more in recent years. Case in point: when I was running my own business, we had an employee with deep personal problems that diminished his job performance egregiously. Rather than be rid of him (which a normal business would do), we kept him because we cared what happened to him. From a business perspective, it was a bad decision. I however saw no alternative from a human and spiritual perspective. As my pastor puts it, I was leveraging my knowledge and insight of business through the lens of love.
It seems to me that Paul is saying to let love be more and more informed by insight and knowledge, but the reverse is very true. One should inform their insight and knowledge with love. This is a path to compassionate decisions, to a "Christ-like response" if you will. Rather than acting on data and conventional (read: secular) wisdom alone, allow the human component to enter and wield influence. This is something I've struggled with at some personal cost before as I do indeed make many decisions this way; letting compassion subvert what would otherwise be a cut and dry decision.
Some might say it is human to be this way. I'd care to think it is the exercise of spirituality, whether one knows it or not. Are we instinctively predisposed as God's creatures to do so? Some of us are, others seem not to be. Is there a difference between making decisions this way and simply "feeling sorry for someone/something?"
Paul also remarks that one should do this "so that you may be able to discern what is best..." So, Paul's definition of making the best decision would be doing so through the lens of love (primarily) as informed by knowledge and insight? This is the meaning I take away.
This represents an interesting thing to ruminate on. Despite my having done it before, it was unwitting so there was nothing to be taken away from it in terms of spiritual growth. I will now approach these things more consciously with this "lens" in mind, and its juxtaposition to knowledge and insight. My hope is a more conscious effort here will reveal additional opportunities for spiritual growth.
Men's Bible Study Starting Up
Some months ago, I was approached by someone in the church that I have been getting to know. He asked me if I would be interested in participating in a men's Bible study if he were to start one up. I said yes right away. I thought it would be a great addition to my personal pursuit of learning more about the Bible. It was also clearly an opportunity for fellowship with brothers in Christ and a way to get to know some of the men at the church a little better.
The organizer put it together and we started up about a month ago. The pastor is heading it up and I had to miss the first meeting due to a former obligation. In that first meeting he suggested they start with studying Philippians, partly because it is a brief and somewhat simple book. When I heard this I was excited as I always am when I know I am about to learn something interesting and new.
My first time was two weeks ago. We wound up chewing the fat for most of it and barely broke into any scripture. It seemed like we had a lot of "get to know you" conversation to put us all in a bit of context. A very unguided discussion. I'll admit I was somewhat anxious because we left the evening with barely cracking open the good book but this in itself was a study in how I approach my faith.
You see, I think about things "too much." I over analyze and introspect to a very high degree. In other words, my potential pitfall on my journey into faith is that I run the possibility of being a "spiritual intellectual." Put another way, that my approach to faith could be the way I handle many other things; academically and methodically. Now, there's nothing wrong with that unless you're employing it disproportionately (which I do often). But the clincher that occurs to me this evening is that there is a time and place for an academic approach, and in faith that time and place is "sometimes but not all the time."
Bottom line: this Bible study is a time for fellowship as well as scripture. I am reminded that I need to cultivate flexibility and free myself from the almost prerequisite bondage of an academic approach, release my spiritual muse from the text and let it float freely with a moment of fellowship rather than experience cognitive consternation ("Let's read. I want to read. Let's read." over and over in my mind...).
Tonight was our second meeting. We gabbed for about 20 minutes then set into scripture, which already had my impatience set to medium-high. Not a negative impatience, rather an eagerness that was going unmet. We got 11 verses into it, the pastor asked if we had questions or comments, I had one, and we spent the next 40 minutes on it. Now, our pastor has a habit of digression. But is that really true? No. The truth is he thinks and speaks for a living, while I'm used to the steel-cold efficiency expected in corporate culture. So here I am in this soulful, internal push-pull while he is going into tangents and wrapping it back around eventually only to launch on another tangent.
Please God, stay my mind. Let me focus on this fellowship. I'm only grateful that I have this time with these men. It is special and precious. I was very excited for many days and knowing we were meeting carried me through the last 48 hours on wings. But only to get there and and internally cry out, "Come on! Come on!"
Thankfully I'm old enough to chuckle at myself. Ten years ago I'd probably be mad about it! Who ever said getting older was bad?
I ramble. Basically, I'm part of a men's bible study now. We're reading Philippians, we're talking a lot, we're grappling with major questions, questions of faith that I've not confronted with anyone other than my own mind and with God.
This is an exciting time. Thank you God for presenting me with this opportunity.
The organizer put it together and we started up about a month ago. The pastor is heading it up and I had to miss the first meeting due to a former obligation. In that first meeting he suggested they start with studying Philippians, partly because it is a brief and somewhat simple book. When I heard this I was excited as I always am when I know I am about to learn something interesting and new.
My first time was two weeks ago. We wound up chewing the fat for most of it and barely broke into any scripture. It seemed like we had a lot of "get to know you" conversation to put us all in a bit of context. A very unguided discussion. I'll admit I was somewhat anxious because we left the evening with barely cracking open the good book but this in itself was a study in how I approach my faith.
You see, I think about things "too much." I over analyze and introspect to a very high degree. In other words, my potential pitfall on my journey into faith is that I run the possibility of being a "spiritual intellectual." Put another way, that my approach to faith could be the way I handle many other things; academically and methodically. Now, there's nothing wrong with that unless you're employing it disproportionately (which I do often). But the clincher that occurs to me this evening is that there is a time and place for an academic approach, and in faith that time and place is "sometimes but not all the time."
Bottom line: this Bible study is a time for fellowship as well as scripture. I am reminded that I need to cultivate flexibility and free myself from the almost prerequisite bondage of an academic approach, release my spiritual muse from the text and let it float freely with a moment of fellowship rather than experience cognitive consternation ("Let's read. I want to read. Let's read." over and over in my mind...).
Tonight was our second meeting. We gabbed for about 20 minutes then set into scripture, which already had my impatience set to medium-high. Not a negative impatience, rather an eagerness that was going unmet. We got 11 verses into it, the pastor asked if we had questions or comments, I had one, and we spent the next 40 minutes on it. Now, our pastor has a habit of digression. But is that really true? No. The truth is he thinks and speaks for a living, while I'm used to the steel-cold efficiency expected in corporate culture. So here I am in this soulful, internal push-pull while he is going into tangents and wrapping it back around eventually only to launch on another tangent.
Please God, stay my mind. Let me focus on this fellowship. I'm only grateful that I have this time with these men. It is special and precious. I was very excited for many days and knowing we were meeting carried me through the last 48 hours on wings. But only to get there and and internally cry out, "Come on! Come on!"
Thankfully I'm old enough to chuckle at myself. Ten years ago I'd probably be mad about it! Who ever said getting older was bad?
I ramble. Basically, I'm part of a men's bible study now. We're reading Philippians, we're talking a lot, we're grappling with major questions, questions of faith that I've not confronted with anyone other than my own mind and with God.
This is an exciting time. Thank you God for presenting me with this opportunity.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
President Barack Obama
I still can't believe it. It's going to take me some time to understand what has happened here. I'm amazingly proud and excited, very amped. Right now, those who didn't vote for him are concerned about what he will do once in office. As for me, I'm concerned with who is going to pick up the Republican party and dust it off. They are in very bad disrepair, and I fear they are ripe for the picking of a very extreme direction. I'll be watching this closely. I also have my own ideas on what they need to make happen to come back and be effective again. We badly need them and as soon a possible. No representative republic can function in top form with a huge chunk of people missing in action.
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