One of the first steps toward God and my new life is prayer. This is critical for me. I must establish a dialogue with Him. He has spoken to me recently in a way that is ridiculously obvious and I am reminded of the times He has done this before. I am left wanting to reach back to Him and be consistent about it.
Without getting complicated, here's the bottom line:
1. Start each day with God. Give thanks, make requests for others, make requests for me, and close with thanks; these are my essentials. Keep a log of what I've requested and what has been answered. I believe I will keep a paper log (notebook), but may occasionally update here in some summary form.
2. Conduct my day in a Christian manner. I won't explain this but I know what I mean. I'm basically talking about doing what you should be doing and NOT doing what you should NOT be doing.
3. Conclude each day with God. Give thanks/praise for the day. Kind of finishing it off with a little high five between He and I.
4. Go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't stay up all night like you usually do. Rise early and greet the next day the same way.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Take Two
I have failed to do what I set out to accomplish. Further, I have slid into further problems because I have failed to do the things I know I'm supposed to be doing. Finally, I am faced with greater challenges than I have dealt with before and I am not practiced in those things that I know will help me face them.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
I have much to do.
I have not quit smoking. For a time, I pushed it down. In the spring, my lungs became inflamed by the pollen and the smoking and I had significant trouble breathing. This has subsided only a little. I currently smoke a little more than half a pack per day now. My wish was to be done by now.
I have become unmotivated and uninterested in what I am doing. I do the minimum at work, which is very little. I spend the rest of the time basically wandering online. At home I am distracted and marginally involved. I have not finished the new website for the church, giving excuses that are received nicely by the staff. This is a condition that started in the spring and has persisted through the summer.
I have come to recognize that when I left my last job just over one year ago, I was set free from a path that was going to destroy me and my family. The problem is that I did not understand this nor did I set it in motion, thus I was - and remain - unprepared to deal with this. Indeed, I have been set completely adrift. I have left and cannot go back to the life I've practiced and built for most of my years (and don't really want to) but I don't know how to move forward and into what.
The stress I have experienced regarding my trying to quit smoking, being set adrift in life and my trouble interfacing with work and family have compounded to create a level of non-stop physical anxiety that has concerned me a great deal - thus compounding the health issue. Truth be told, I am a candidate for a heart attack at this point. Starting in recent weeks, not a day passes where I don't wonder if I'll simply be struck down and collapse right where I stand from time to time. This is a terrible way to live.
What troubles me more than ever is that I know what I need to do and have studied how to do it, but I simply am NOT doing it. Partly for not knowing how to begin, partly for my having never done these things before, partly because what I need to do requires me to retire the illusion that I control my life and circumstances and "give" this control to God. (I mock the idea of giving it to God because it was never mine to begin with).
So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I refuse to be a statistic and I refuse to let my children grow up wondering why their father keeled over in the backyard one Saturday when they were very young.
I am frightened out of my mind. I have never known such terror. I am leaving who I have been since I can remember, leaving me behind or at least stripping away so much of me that what is left will be unrecognizable - but ideally a "better" person. This is change on a scale and to a degree for which I am unprepared and uncomprehending. I simply have no choice but to walk this path with God, daily and intentionally. I have a MASSIVE discipline problem and it has caught up with me. I simply can't go on like this anymore.
The change starts now. I give myself to Him and may He have mercy on me.
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